Bigotry and Friendship
Does bigotry make the person?
No, no it does not.
Well, because bigotry, more often than not, is the effect of cultural conditioning… so it is not “all their fault.” If a society grows up teaching everyone to act bigoted, I have to expect people to act bigoted. How accountable to their bigotry they should be, is based on how they handle this internalization. If they handle in such a way that makes them an “Old School Bigot”.. spitting out racial slurs.. then yeah.. fck that guy or girl…
However, if they reject bigotry, but on occasion just act like a bigot due to conditioning… then obviously there is more leeway there. It, really depends on the person. Like I keep saying, racism, today, is not so much about intent or KKK types, but as recognizing power structures and the function of behaviors that result from implicit bias. The intent of the individuals matter much less – the way they function in a bigoted society and how to stop that behavior is where it is at.
Is some bigoted stance a person may take, enough to make another person dismiss them as a whole?
Hell fcking yeah!
Look, liking a person involves looking at the things you think are positive about them and the things you think are negative about them. If the negatives outweigh the positives, you end up not liking them.
It is as simple as that.
If I do not know who a person is and they act racist (I have no attributes to refer to, other than them being racist). Then all the interactions I have been exposed to are negative and racist. In the end, excuse me, I end up not fcking liken them. In my mind they are fcking sht bags. I don’t care to get to know the racist sht bags either… fck em. Where is my incentive to learn more?
I mean it is not as if I do not understand this person, merely by being human, has intimate connections with family members and thus probably has a good side on at least one aspect of his life… but who cares about that? My time is limited, and I am not going to explore every fvking racist on earth just so that I can find the good in them. Instead I just weed most racist strangers out of my life so I do not have to deal with their racism. No one can blame me for that.
Now, it is also not the case that my life is devoid of bigots. I mean if this culture is bigoted and teaches people to act bigoted, than it would be an impossible task to only have a circle of friends or family members that have not internalized and acted on bigoted ideology.
Think of it this way… I have a racist brother. I have a brother whos racism just fcking dwarfs the tiny micro-aggressions I encounter in my daily life. He is a legit old school racist who thinks black people are inferior. That is remarkably different from a white person who simply can not get a hold of his privilege and thus unintentionally acts racist.
I still love my brother despite his racism… why?
Well he is my brother and his kinship to me is this positive attribute that makes me inclined to keep in contact with him despite the horrid racism he spouts. I grew up with him, and those bonds do not shatter easily.
Yet let us not get this sht twisted.. he does not get a free fcking pass either for his racist sht! I am not afraid to fight like a fcking animal to get at him when he says racist stuff- and if he chooses to break off cause he can’t handle it – then fck him too. Thankfully though, he values our family bond too much to break off like that – this also gives me the opportunity to stop him from being a racist ass. I have made my views on racism clear with any racist – and yeah there are racist family members I like, but that don’t stop me from getting into it with them. (A lot of them have changed their minds because of this as well)
The point is, my core values can not let that bigoted sht slide… but people are different. For example, because I am a man, I react to sexism differently… I can reason it is just as important and valuable as anti-racism, but in the end… it does not effect me emotionally like racism does. So sexism is negative attribute that probably does not tip the bucket for me when deciding friends (Also males are sexist as sht! Too much “macho” BS flying around)… but I would understand why it would for others.
If I met a stranger who is racist… I am not going to “wait and see” a positive attribute, I am just not going to like them, and keep my distance. It is that simple. If someone makes that same judgement on my brother, where because he is a racist they simply do not like him…. aight that is cool with me. In fact if they get into a verbal argument with him about racism.. I am ganna be on their side beating my brothers ass – cause that racist sht ball deserves it, no matter how much I love him!
Now, why did I write this post?
Well, all to often when minorities call out bigotry.. the privileged folks response is, “Weill I like that guy, and I am not going to stop being friends with him simply because he is a bigot”
So I wanted to write this post. I mean seriously…that response is fcking dumb. Who the fck is asking anyone to disown their little racist buddies and their little asshole microagressive dck friends? No one. No one could force you, even if we wanted to. What most marginalized people are saying is that, this person acts like a racist, or sexist, or homophone and it pisses them off enough such they they no longer want to converse with them.
What they are doing, is simply pointing out bigoted behavior . So, saying “I won’t disown them” as a first response to an accusation of bigotry made toward someone you like… just comes out of left field for me as a response. I mean, you won’t disown them? Was I saying you should? Don’t disown them.. I don’t care.. meanwhile I will be here talking about their behavior, not the entire summation of them as a human being….. cause I don’t fcking know them like that and don’t care to get to.
I mean if a woman was saying she hates my friends sexism, and she feels he is a sht bag dck because of it… and she is upset that I do not call him out on his sexist garbage. The fist thing out of my mouth is NOT going to be “Whaa!!! I won’t disown my friend!”.. cause that would just be irrational. She never said that I should disown him. She was just complaining, and expressing her distaste for him. She then was asking why I don’t help her call out his sexist BS. If that happened, then, personally, I would try to no longer ignore his sexist behavior just cause he is my buddy.
The message here.. is yeah… ok you can have bigoted buddies, I am betting most people do. Just try not to allow that friendship to put you on the wrong side of things – when marginalized folks get pissed off and call that buddy out. Instead of arguing with the minorities telling them how your bigoted friend is such a good guy… do your bigoted friend a fcking favor, and show him how the minorities have a point. Tell him when he is in fact acting bigoted – so that he can stop being a fcking bigot. I guarantee you this would be ten times more helpful to everyone involved. Take it from someone who has lots of bigoted family members but have managed to calm down a lot of their bigotry.